How to Handle Tension With a Coworker
You can feel it when something is off with a coworker. Replies get shorter. Jokes land flat. A meeting that used to feel easy now feels stiff.
Most people either ignore it, argue in Slack, or complain to someone else. None of that fixes the tension. It just lets it linger.
You do not need to turn every bit of friction into a big conversation. You do need a simple way to keep small problems small.
Here is a practical approach: spot when something is actually wrong, talk about it without making it a big deal, and follow through or involve your manager when you cannot fix it on your own.
How to Spot Signs of Conflict
You do not need to be great at reading people. You just need to notice clear changes in how they usually work with you.Look for specific shifts:
- Their messages to you get short or slow, while they stay responsive to others.
- They stop looping you into conversations or decisions you would usually be part of
- Feedback on your work moves from specific and helpful to sharp or nitpicky.
Any one of these can be stress or a bad day. What matters is whether it keeps happening and whether it gets in the way of doing work together. Instead of focusing on the stress or frustration, focus on facts and impact:
Facts
What has actually happened more than once?
- “They skipped our last two 1:1s without rescheduling.”
- “They replied with one-liners to my last three questions.”
Impact
How is this affecting the work?
- “I am missing information I need.”
- “Our handoff is getting slower or messier.”
If you can point to both facts and impact, it is reasonable to ask. That is often better than guessing.You can keep it light:
- “I have felt a bit of tension around this project. Are we okay on your side?”
- “I might be reading this wrong, but something feels off since that review. Did I step on your toes there?”
You are not accusing them. You are checking your read and giving them a chance to say “no, we are fine” or “yes, something is bothering me.”If they say nothing is wrong, and the pattern stops, you can move on. If they say there is an issue, you have your signal to talk about it more directly.
How to Talk With Your Coworker
Once you see a pattern that touches the work, treat it as something to check on, not a crisis.Start by getting clear on your goal. A simple line in your head is enough:
- “I want to understand what is going on.”
- “I want to make sure I am not making their job harder.”
If your real goal is to win or prove you were right, you are not ready to talk yet.Keep the conversation small.
- Talk privately, not in a group setting or public channel.
- Point to one concrete situation you both remember
For example:
- “In yesterday’s review when I pushed back on your approach…”
- “In standup when I brought up the delay on the integration…”
You are describing an event, not judging their character.Open the door and then listen.Short phrases you can adapt:
- “I have felt some tension around this. How did that land on your side?”
- “I am worried I stepped on your toes there. What was that like for you?”
Ask once, then let them answer. Your first job is to understand the impact on them and on the work, not to defend yourself.If you see a fair point, own your part and tie it to the next step:
- “I can see how that came across. Next time I will check with you before raising it.”
- “I should have given you a heads up before I escalated that. In the future I will ping you directly first.”
You are not taking all the blame. You are showing that you take the relationship and the work seriously. From there, both of you have room to adjust.
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How to follow through (and when to involve your manager)
What happens after the conversation matters more than what is said in it.
1. Watch what actually changes
In the next week or two, notice:
- Does their tone move back toward normal
- Do they share information and feedback like before
- Does the work between you feel smoother
If the answer is mostly yes, you are done. You had a direct conversation, made a small repair, and moved on.If nothing changes or things get worse, that is useful information.
2. Do your part in small, visible ways
You do not need a big reset. Focus on simple habits:
- Follow through on what you said you would do differently.
- Communicate clearly on shared work, handoffs, and deadlines.
- Give fair credit when their work helps a project land.
You are making it easier to work with you. Over time, that does more than any single conversation.
3. When to involve your manager
You do not need to tough it out forever. It is reasonable to loop in your manager when:
- You have already had a calm, direct conversation.
- The tension is affecting delivery, handoffs, or other people.
- The power dynamic makes it hard to address on your own
Keep the focus on the work, not on attacking a person. One clean frame:
“Here is what happened, here is what I tried, and here is how it is affecting the work. I would like help with next steps.”
Your manager’s job is to help the team get the work done in a healthy way. Giving them clear facts and impact lets them do that.
4. A quick word on HR
It might be tempting to involve HR if you are seeing frustrating behavior.
It's important to understand that HR is for serious issues, not normal friction. Think harassment, discrimination, retaliation, or anything that crosses a policy or legal line.
In those cases, you should use formal channels, often with your manager’s help, instead of trying to fix it one-on-one.
You will frustrate a coworker at some point. That is part of working with other people.
What matters is how you respond.
You notice patterns instead of guessing from one awkward moment. You check in calmly instead of arguing in public channels or venting to everyone else. You listen for the impact on their work, own your side, and adjust in small, visible ways.
If that is enough to get things back to normal, you move on. If it is not, you involve your manager with clear facts and a focus on the work. If the behavior crosses a line, you treat it as more than normal conflict and use formal channels.
Handled this way, tense moments stop being something you avoid at all costs. They become chances to show how you behave when things are not easy. Over time, that is what builds your reputation: not that you never upset anyone, but that you stay steady, fair, and reasonable when you do.